LA MIRADA, Calif. --- "I struggle with depression. I have for awhile. It makes me feel different and numb inside."

This student-athlete took time to open up with us about her 10-year struggle with depression and how the Holy Spirit and important people in her life have helped her cope and find purpose.

She grew up in a Christian home and early on adopted Ezekiel 36:26 as an important Bible verse for her journey with depression. Stemming from the "numb" internal feeling she carried with her, she clung to the hope the words provided, "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."

Early on, she describes battling with the idea that the depression was somehow her own fault. She describes feeling it was something she did that caused her to feel as if God was distant.

"It's not that He wasn't near," she said. "Holistically, we are a physical and spiritual being. The physical can affect the spiritual. We might not realize it. I thought He was distant, but it was just the depression impacting me. He was not far away. He was working in my life."

It was not until her early college years, after already battling depression for nearly half a decade, that it got to a point where she became determined, and comfortable, to seek help.

She explained that throughout high school she used her sport as a source of purpose and a source of identity. For her, it was the best way to have an outlet for burning off some of the negative effects of her depression.

During her freshman year of college at another university, she was unable to participate in her sport. This caused her to dive into a deeper well of depression that started to get noticed by others.

"It got to the point where I was like 'I don't want to live.' I know that feeling is not normal," she said. "It got to the point where my depression was affecting everything in my life. It was affecting my relationships, even with my family. School was really bad and that made it even worse. Thankfully my roommate told me that I should really seek help."

For the first time she began to see a therapist and was able to open up and find the root of some of her struggles. She described how thankful she was that the Holy Spirit was present in her darkest time and helped her to see that she was not OK and needed to seek out help.

A few years later she found her way onto the team at Biola and was embraced by a whole new community of support. She describes her coach and teammates as great. Even still, she noticed herself slipping into the same feelings once again and realized depression was once more making its way into her life.
As part of routine preseason screening, she was connected through Biola's athletic training staff to the team physician and ultimately to the Student Care department on campus.

"They connected me with student care and student care helped me a lot," she said. "I worked a lot with Deann (Decker), and I still do, she's so sweet and she pushed me into different things. Not only the health center, but also BCC. All I needed to do was speak to someone and they guided me through, which was awesome."

She finds her purpose and identity wrapped into her relationship with the Lord. She has meaningful relationship with Him and with others on campus and continues to get the support  she needs to combat mental illness.

She's recently began medication for depression and is an advocate that others should also not be weary to use medication if needed.

Feel free to reach out to Crystal Jardines (Women's Track & Field/XC) for more information on her journey.